Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s enough internet for the day

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

My life is fraught with reality

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

it was love at first sight

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.