[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Happens to everyone.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Meow?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing