Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

Cha-ching is my safe word

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack