Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

My wife gives the best headache.

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.