Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, my name is Pierre.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.