[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?