@ClichedOut

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

You Might Also Like

@goodbeanalt

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

@jakery

mowed β…“ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

@ShortSleeveSuit

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

@okimstillhungry

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT πŸ™‚
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@mackswift

THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

THEY LIED.

EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON

@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

@120yearz

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow