@goodbeanalt
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
@ClichedOut
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
You Might Also Like
@goodbeanalt
@jakery
mowed β of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
@ShortSleeveSuit
MY KID: Iβm ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
@WombatDojo
There is wisdom there.
@okimstillhungry
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT π
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
@JB4Realz
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
@TuffyNyC
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
@mackswift
THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
THEY LIED.
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON
@living_marble
MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
@120yearz
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow