my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
There is wisdom there.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON
MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow