[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
You Might Also Like
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.