About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla