*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
We are the people our parents warned us about.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.