Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

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The Chosen Phew

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.