About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
#Caturday
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Received some very disappointing news today
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
A great tip. #CakeRex
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.