[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Oddly specific
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.