[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Him: you always need to have the last word!
Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
Me: *whispers* I win
Single by choice, just not my choice.
Damn you, 19th amendment!
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators