[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.