[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*


[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win


Single by choice, just not my choice.

Damn you, 19th amendment!


878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”


My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.


If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.


(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators