[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Get in, there’s no time to explain.