“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
“What movie?” 🤔
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.