About to throw up
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
these two trucks have the same bed length
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.