About to throw up
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A great first step 😂
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.