Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.