About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
But that’s none of my business
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*