Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.