About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
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He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies