(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
*frowns in Scottish*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Storm Tropical Storm
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before