About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.