About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder