About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most