Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
You might just have to resign…
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
this is so top tier i cant
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: