Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

ㅤ

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.