Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?