Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Wise advice
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Room with a view.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.