Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I forgot how to panic. Help
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.