Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on