Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy