Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money