Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Best spot.. 😅
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…