[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
So inspired right now.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me