[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.