Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

I’m a bad influence on myself.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.