[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
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If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Close call…
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.