[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
fr
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Its a hippotatomus
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves