[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
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“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!