[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
What kind of a cult is this?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car