[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

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My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.


*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it


6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ??????? ??? ? [sobbing]


It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.


You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.


Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”


I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.


Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”


A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”