[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
what
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME