*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
mcdonalds鈥檚 with a small walmart inside
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I don鈥檛 really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: it鈥檚 time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don鈥檛 think so
Me: who asked you?!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Who says great literature is dead?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk鈥檚 almost dead
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you鈥檙e a horse!
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.