*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?