*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Today’s Times
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Oh no
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!