Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
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UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Just this preview of the story is enough
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes