Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
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[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?