Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

Pringles

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia