Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
You Might Also Like
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*