Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”