Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s easy for you to say

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…