Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

jesus christ confetti not now

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Raisins are grape jerky.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.