Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Great Canadian literature.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.