Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.