absolute chaos
You Might Also Like
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!