You Might Also Like
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?