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Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
New menu item
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off