Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
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If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it