Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
When your diet is finally over.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
