Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
