Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
i hate you platonically
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
