Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station