Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the cyber-farting case, the ex (the alleged farter) is accused of harassment, but all I hear is “her a$$-mint”.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

I forgot how to panic. Help

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.