Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

u guys got any snacks onboard here

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

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