Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
