Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
im 7 sauces long
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”