Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

I’m listening

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

💀💀💀💀

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.