Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
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Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
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