Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
You Might Also Like
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
that’s really how it is
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)