Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.