Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Take care of yourself, ladies
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.