absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Why are bridges so flammable.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.