absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
🛁
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft