absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Never deleting this app.
